It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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