If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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