so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
