I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
