dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
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I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
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Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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