I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
