Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
