oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
