When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
True strength comes from lack of pants
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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