It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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