If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
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I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
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I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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