Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
