i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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