I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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