dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
