Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
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i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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