Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
