Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
