You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
