I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
