We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
