my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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