shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
