Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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