You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
