rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
