I cannot find my penis.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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