I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
sex in a hospital.. check
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
