omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
how does that bad decision feel?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
