Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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