apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
