And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Randomize
