you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
