were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
