you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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