i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
