dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
