I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm getting married
To pizza
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
