Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
