Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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