the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Mom said you looked used
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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