Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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