I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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