You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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