Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
