I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
