would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
