how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
