I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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