i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I will be naked everywhere
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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