Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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