My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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