It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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