Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I am one with the molecules
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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