why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize