it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
people are starting to question the shark bite story
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
